A Spork in the Drawer

Get Fit!

With the Shake Weight:

[Via The Consumerist.]

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High Comedy

Local news:

Police Chief Howard Burton said the crash, reported about 4 a.m., caused serious injuries to a motorist whose sport utility vehicle sheared a utility pole that was cemented into the ground.

[...]

Duquesne Light Co. repair crews rushed to the scene to restore electricity, but a hose burst on one of the trucks, spilling automotive fluid onto the roadway.

A hazardous-materials team then was called to clean up the spill as work continued to get the power turned on.

Then, however, a worker using a jackhammer ruptured a water line near the pole, and repair efforts had to be halted until another crew repaired the water line.

It should be noted that this all occurred right in front of a police station.

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Separated By A Common Language

OK:

Portsmouth have accepted an offer from Tottenham for England striker Peter Crouch, says Pompey boss Paul Hart.

I think it has something to do with Parliament but I'm not confident about that.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

You love this blog.

You really love this blog.

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Headline Of The Day

Giant Squids Terrorise Californian Coast

PZ points out that this is much ado about nothing.

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Safety First!

If you plan on flying anytime soon you might want to bone up on airline safety procedures courtesy Air New Zealand:

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Argentina For Two

As expected, the other shoe is now plummeting.

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Note: It's Summer and I'm frustrated with politics. Allow me my fun.

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Question

I've never hiked the Appalachian Trail but should I decide to do so is it necessary for me to pack a valid passport with the rest of my hiking gear?

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Interesting Fact Of The Day

Across the pond:

Every film in which actress Dame Judi Dench swears results in complaints, the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has said in its annual report.

Fascinating!

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Another Day, Another Story

Remember how The Runaway Governor's staff had been insisting that he was simply hiking the Appalachian Trail? Consider that story to be inoperative:

Gov. Mark Sanford arrived in the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport this morning, having wrapped up a seven-day visit to Buenos Aires, Argentina, he said. Sanford said he had not been hiking along the Appalachian Trail, as his staff said in a Tuesday statement to the media.

[...]

Sanford, in an exclusive interview with The State, said he decided at the last minute to go to the South American country to recharge after a difficult legislative session in which he battled with lawmakers over how to spend federal stimulus money.

[...]

Sanford said he was alone on the trip. He declined to give any additional details about what he did other than to say he drove along the coastline.

[...]

When asked why his staff said he was on the Appalachian Trail, Sanford replied, "I don't know."

One would be forgiven for thinking that there might be more to this story.

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The Runaway Governor

The Sanford Saga has now officially landed on Bizarro World:

On Tuesday, sources told News 4's Nigel Robertson that a state vehicle is missing and was tracked down, not to the Appalachian Trail, but to the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta.

Sources told Robertson that a federal agent spotted Sanford in the airport boarding a plane. Robertson was told that the governor was not accompanied by security detail. [emphasis added]

[...]

But sources told WYFF News 4 that the federal agent who spotted Sanford saw him at the Atlanta airport, which is about 80 miles from the start of the trail.

WYFF News 4 has not yet confirmed where the plane was going or how the governor got to the airport, but it is clear there are two very different stories.

News 4 called the governor's office, and was told again by staffers that they stand by their original statement that the governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail. They did not want to comment on this story.

In addition, Mrs. Gov. Sanford says she has no idea where he is.

This sort of behavior should disqualify someone from being president, yes?

[Via Zachary Roth.]

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That Explains It!

So if South Carolina's Republican governor Mark Sanford really was hiking the Appalachian Trail for the last five days - a dubious assertion but let's go with it - now we know why:

Check out this set of facts. Fact 1: Gov. Mark Sanford went missing Thursday and hasn't been seen since. Fact 2: His staff has since told us that the governor has been hiking the Appalachian Trail. Fact 3: Sunday was "Naked Hiking Day" on the Appalachian Trail. We kid you not.

I certainly hope the Governor used a high SPF sunscreen on his, err, more sensitive parts.

[Via Hunter.]

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Weird

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford - likely 2012 Republican Presidential candidate and most recently in the news for grandstanding about stimulus money - has been missing since Thursday. He's been "frequently been eluding SLED agents and disappearing at odd times" of late.

Drugs? Women? Boys?

Or will he pull an Aimee Semple McPherson?

[Via Steve Benen.]

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UPDATE: Sanford's spokesdrone says, "The governor put in a lot of time during this last legislative session, and after the session winds down it's not uncommon for him to go out of pocket for a few days at a time to clear his head...[b]efore leaving last week, he let staff know his whereabouts and that he'd be difficult to reach."

Still, it's curious that he didn't tell his wife where he was going.

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Nothing To Do With Anything

Eli Wallach is still alive?

Golly.

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Adding:

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Never Trust The Internets (Communist Edition)

The perils of cyber-randiness:

One of Fidel Castro's sons carried on an eight-month flirtation over the Internet with a person he believed was a Colombian woman. Surprise! The woman was actually a Miami man.

[...]

''Claudia's'' cyber-boyfriend never revealed any state secrets and made no mention of Fidel during their more than 20 Internet chats. But he sent her what he said were his phone number and home address in Havana, wrote that he had no bodyguards and gave advance notice of a trip to Mexico -- all breaches of the tight secrecy that has always surrounded Fidel Castro's family life.

[...]

Some of the chats lasted just a few minutes, but the longest was for five hours, Domínguez said. And, as time passed, they grew from simply friendly to amorous

A specter is haunting Antonio Castro's pants.

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Weird Story Of The Day

Quite a bit of money:

Italy’s financial police said they asked the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to authenticate U.S. government bonds found in the false bottom of a suitcase carried by two Japanese travelers attempting to cross into Switzerland.

The bonds, with a face value of more than $134 billion, are probably forgeries, Colonel Rodolfo Mecarelli of the Guardia di Finanza in Como, Italy, said today. If the notes are genuine, the pair would be the U.S. government’s fourth-biggest creditor, ahead of the U.K. with $128 billion of U.S. debt and just behind Russia, which is owed $138 billion.

I can't imagine why the Italian authorities think the bonds may be forgeries.

[Via Andrew Leonard.]

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That'll Happen

Slim Jim Factory Explodes, Kills Three, Requires HazMat Team

Do you really want to eat something the manufacturer refers to as a "meat stick" anyway?

Not actual food

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From The Olde E-Mail Bag

Oy:

FROM THE MOUNTAIN PROPHECIES

BOOK TWELVE

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

 

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST

Coming out of Africa, through the European Illuminati, a subject of the Queen of England, backed by the Vatican, empowered through the Israeli Mossad, Communist/Marxist groomed!

WAKE UP, OH YOU PEOPLE! THE HOUR OF GREAT JUDGEMENT IS UPON THIS NATION; AND UPON THE WHOLE WORLD!

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT

MESSAGES FROM OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN

Who knew?

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Oh Those Republicans

The Party of Perverts:

Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett says a member of an Allegheny County state legislator's staff wanted to engage in sex acts with a teenage boy while dressed in a panda costume.

Corbett says 40-year-old Alan David Berlin, of Carlisle, Cumberland County, was charged Thursday with attempted sexual exploitation of children and related crimes.

[...]

Agents from the attorney general's office found a wolf and cat-type costume in Berlin's home, Corbett said.

At least no wetsuits were involved.

Perhaps sexual repression isn't such a good thing.

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Reaching For The Youth Vote

Who says the wingnuts can't get jiggy wid it?

The modern Republican party is an embarrassment of riches.

With the emphasis on "embarrassment."

[Via TPMtv.]

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Pocket Change

Remind me never to take the ferry from Belfast to Stranraer, Scotland:

For one code the lowest fare (single) was £10,823,000,335,693,400, or ten thousand eight hundred and twenty-three trillion pounds.

It would appear that the UK has a small inflation problem.

Or maybe it was just a mistake.

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Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

When I heard of the arrest of four alleged terrorists planning the bombings of synagogues and other targets last night I've been waiting for shoes to start dropping. And now here comes a size 11:

The ringleader of the four-man homegrown terror cell accused of plotting to blow up synagogues in the Bronx and military planes in Newburgh admitted to a judge today that he had smoked pot before his bust last night.

When U.S. Magistrate Judge Lisa M. Smith asked James Cromitie if his judgment was impaired during his appearance in federal court in White Plains, the 55-year-old confessed: “No. I smoke it regularly…I understand everything you are saying.”

However violent-minded they may be, rather than hardened Islamist terrorists these bozos appear to be a sinister version of Cheech, Chong, Harold, and Kumar.

And, again, however violent-minded they may be they had no means to carry any attacks out without the help of the FBI...much like the Liberty Six.

More shoes, and perhaps a sandal or two, are sure to emerge.

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As If We Don't Have Enough To Worry About

Zombie ants!

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Today's Lesson: How Not To Land An Airplane

Story

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Bull in a grocery store edition:

Talk about taking it on the hoof!

Story here.

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Headline Of The Day

Nazi 'super cows' shipped to Devon farm

From their base in Devon they'll move eastward to Basingstoke and High Wycombe...London will be surrounded within a fortnight.

Heil Bovine!

The new flag of the UK

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Annals Of Creative Excuses

OK:

Woody Harrelson defended his clash with a photographer at a New York airport Wednesday night as a case of mistaken identity -- he says he mistook the cameraman for a zombie.

Perhaps Woody should cut back on the weed.

Here's a handy guide:

Paparazzo (center)



Zombie

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Announcement

I've decided that I like the name Perkin Warbeck.

Just thought you should know.

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Separated At Birth?

Duncan "Atrios" Black...

...and Matt Drudge?

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Joy To The World!

It's never too early to start thinking of the Yuletide Season and what better way to get a jump on the holiday than visiting ChristmasCentral.com?

You can purchase artificial trees, lights, Nativity sets, and, of course, nothing says Noël like pepper spray:





It's the perfect ornament for when strange men come down your chimney at night!

So when you're serious about waging the War on the War on Christmas visit ChristmasCentral.com!

[Via Thers (whose post should be read).]

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Learn Something

The proper disposal method for an unwanted Cadbury Creme Egg™:

[Via gyma.]

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Creativity

DeLong post title:

Fear of Reese Witherspoon Look-Alikes on the Pill

You just know that that's gonna be an interesting read.

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Your Modern Republican Party

RNC chief-for-now Michael Steele on the prospect of resignation:

Aww, trust me. Not me Baby! Nuh-uh. Not happening. No way, no how!

With leaders like Steele and Limbaugh how can the Republican Party go wrong?

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Tough Times In Sport

Headline:

Crosby to miss fourth straight start; Satan put on waivers

Hockey's gone to Hell, I tell you.

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Behold My Power Over Life And Death

Last week I posted a comedy bit featuring a parody of Paul Harvey. Seven days later Harvey is dead.

I wonder if this would work on Dick Cheney.

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Just To Be Clear:

Marijuana is bad:

(Disclosure: I haven't touched the Devil's weed in twenty years.)

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Random Thought

If you took every unemployed person in America and stacked them they'd be taller than Jesus.

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Belgium

Why?

No, really, why?

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Random Question

Why can't I find a good scone?

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Underqualified

Submitted without comment:

Elliot’s Hardware — a local Dallas hardware store — has “appealed to former President George W. Bush to spend his new-found retirement working as a part-time greeter at its Maple Avenue store.” “Our greeters are a legendary part of our customer service,” said Kyle Walters, Elliott’s Hardware president and CEO. “And we are offering the position to Mr. Bush in all sincerity. We think it would be a great fit for him as he settles back into life in Dallas.” If he chooses to take the position, Bush will enjoy company perks such as “a flexible part-time schedule (to allow travel to Crawford),” a parking space, and an employee discount.

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Slither

We're gonna need a bigger terrarium:

Fossil hunters working in an open-pit coal mine in Colombia have unearthed the remains of several giant prehistoric snakes, thought to be the largest ever to have slithered on earth.

The boa constrictor-like beasts, aptly named Titanoboas, weighed more than one and a quarter tonnes and measured at least 13m long from nose to tip. At their widest, the snakes would have come up to the waist of an adult human.

[...]

The fossils were encased in rock dating back 60m years, and so give scientists an unprecedented insight into the large animals that ruled the tropics after the sudden demise of the dinosaurs 65m years ago.

Makes you wish you could go back to the Paleocene, eh?

Could eat Jennifer Lopez

(Image: Jason Bourke/Nature Press Group)

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Random Thought

Rodents are not reliable meteorologists.

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I Need To Start Watching Football

I wonder who got the game ball:

Shortly after 7.30pm, with less than three minutes to play in a tightly fought final, the Cardinals had taken the lead with a crucial touchdown. Fans watching in Arizona would have been forgiven for scenting a victory for their team against the odds. Then the pictures from Tampa disappeared.

Instead, viewers in the Tuscon area were astonished to see a woman unzipping a man's trousers to reveal "full male nudity" followed by what was described as "a graphic act" between the couple. Somehow, the feed from Super Bowl XLIII had been mixed up with a 30-second excerpt from Club Jenna, an adult cable TV channel featuring Jenna Jameson, one of America's most famous porn actresses.

"I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up," Cora King, of Marana, told the Arizona Daily Star newspaper. "Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out."

Talk about a tight end! Was this game Super Bowl XXX?

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Yes, Yes I Did

I'm so ashamed.

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Yikes

Somebody (read: everybody) forgot to mention that we'd be hit with a snowstorm today.

If I remember my meteorology studies correctly this means that Al Gore is fat.

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Sticky Wicket

Well OK then:

The team, which includes medics and groundsmen as well as players, will undertake a nine-day trek to Everest base camp next month, before setting up a full-sized cricket pitch on the plateau of Gorak Shep and playing a match at 5,165 metres (17,000ft).

"Hopefully it will cast cricket in a whole new light but I don't think it is going to catch on," said Michael Preston, a 33-year-old lawyer, originally from New Zealand, and a member of the group.

I should think not.

This has some people's white trousers in a twist:

"The game was invented to be played in the warm and that's how it should stay," said Mark Butcher, the former England batsmen and captain of Surrey, one of the partners in the expedition.

Perhaps the interested parties should settle this over tea and cucumber sandwiches.

The players engage in a form of cricket known as Twenty20, which can be completed in about 2½ hours rather than the standard three-or-so decades.

This should reduce the likelihood of hypoxia somewhat.

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Stimulating Stimulus

Why not?

Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

A spokesman for Flynt goes on to say, “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

What's the better bang for the buck: The porn industry or lavish parties and bonuses for the likes of AIG and Goldman Sachs? At least we'd be able to see the results of the bailout...perhaps Flynt could produce "Who's Nailin' Pailin II - Penetrating Wasilla" or something.

(I know Larry Flynt is a bottom-feeding sleazebag but I can't help but like the guy. Sue me.)

[Via Steve Benen.]

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Strange Days

A week ago it was seven degrees of Fahrenheit.

I practically broke a sweat retrieving the newspaper from my porch this morning.

Take that, Lou Dobbs!

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This Is What It Sounds Like When Centrists Whine

Matt Yglesias posts this inoffensive piffle which results in his blog being hijacked.

Thin-skinned jackass of the day: Jennifer Palmieri

So much for editorial independence.

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A Shadow Falls Across DC

The shadow of...female ginkgoes:

This year, arborists working for the city tried a new solution for the stinky fruit, which has plagued residents for decades. They injected more than 1,000 ginkgo biloba trees with a chemical to stop them from producing the fruit.

Whoops.

The chemical didn't work, for reasons that scientists still don't understand. Now, instead of less ginkgo stink, Washington has its worst case in years -- a bumper crop of nastiness that is studding sidewalks and sliming dress shoes from Capitol Hill to Kalorama.

[...]

To people's surprise, trees across the city had a "full-out fruit." As the berries fell, they were ground into the sidewalk, releasing a powerful aroma that triggered questions on blogs across the District. Many struggled to describe it in newspaper-friendly terms.

"Is this going to be quoted? It just smells like vomit," said John Hockensmith, near Dupont Circle.

"I just walked through Adams Morgan, and it is brutal. Oh yeah, it smacks you in the face," said Dan Silverman, editor of the Prince of Petworth blog. "It smells like, um, well, to not be too crude, it smells like dog [waste]."

Having spent a large chunk of my formative years with a female ginkgo tree I can say from experience that the fruit is nothing less than pure, concentrated EVIL.

Portrait of Satan himself

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