A Spork in the Drawer

Poetry Corner

[Via Attaturk.]

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This Is How The World Ends

In France, A New Generation of Women Says Non to Nude Sunbathing

Godamned New Europe.

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Random Thought

They're a little bit bison.

(If anyone gets this I will be truly amazed.)

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Kickin' it gangsta style:

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From Crazy Racist Old Man To Great PR

When last we heard from former Senator and alleged Democrat Zell Miller he was giving an unhinged speech in support of BushCheney at the 2004 Republican National Convention. Well, yesterday the crazy man had this to say about our current President:

Our globe-trotting president needs to stop and take a break and quit gallivanting around,” Miller said, adding that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel needs to put “Gorilla Glue” on his chair to keep him in the Oval Office.

Unfortunately but unsurprisingly the mostly Republican crown loudly approved of this statement.

The makers of Gorilla Glue have responded:

The Gorilla Glue Company Responds to Zell Miller's Recent Comments

We Do Not Advocate Attempting to Glue the Leader of the Free World to His Chair

News Facts

* In response to Zell Miller's recent comments, The Gorilla Glue Company sends letter to President Obama.
* The response was sent today from the desk of Peter Ragland, President, The Gorilla Glue Company.
* The Gorilla Glue Company does not advocate the gluing of President Obama to his chair with their product.
* The quality adhesive products produced by the company are for the toughest building and repair jobs.
* Gorilla brand products are created with strength and toughness as the goal.
* The Gorilla Glue Company is a family owned business located in Cincinnati, Ohio.
* Gorilla Glue represents just the type of growing small business that President Obama mentions as the job creators in our country.
* Gorilla Glue continues to: create new jobs, boast of no lay-offs, provide healthcare for all full-time employees and proudly make all products in the USA.

Quotes

Attributed to Peter Ragland, President, The Gorilla Glue Company:

* Zell Miller's recent comments have thrust our product and company into the limelight.
* While our products are known for being strong and tough we certainly would not advocate attempting to glue the Leader of the free world to his chair.

As BooMan says, best press release ever.

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Headline Of The Day

Giant Squids Terrorise Californian Coast

PZ points out that this is much ado about nothing.

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Legal Levity

It's worth noting that Sen. Franken is a major wonk so don't let the funny fool you.

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Question

Who among you is going to be in town next month for Netroots Nation?

And who among you plans to be in town the following month to smash windows in honour of the big G-20 meeting?

Reply in comments or email.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Apropos (to me, at least):

Peter Weir has done some of the greatest movies ever (in my opinion).

And Henryk Górecki is no slouch, either.

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ADDED: The movie is loosely based on the the United 232 crash in Iowa and the equestrian Michael Matz.

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Safety First!

If you plan on flying anytime soon you might want to bone up on airline safety procedures courtesy Air New Zealand:

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Noted In Passing

Prolly won't be around much this week.

Bide your time with a fairy tale:

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Independence Day Palate Cleanser

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The End Is Neigh1

A reader (or perhaps spammer - but anyway…) forwards an e-mail from something called “The Last Trumpet Ministries.” With a name like that you just know that we’re gonna get into some peachy eschatology. Behold a horse pail!²

First up, Nominee to the Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor:

Is it any wonder that Obama picked the communist Sonia Sotomayor to become the next U.S. Supreme Court Justice?... This is the woman, Sonia Sotomayor, who stated that her favorite thing to do is to “watch the program Law and Order, and to eat pig intestines, pig ears, tongues, and feet.” She volunteered this information. We know from Mark 5:11-12 that if demons cannot live inside people, their second choice is pigs.

[…]

There are strange spirits working in Sonia Sotomayor, and Barack Hussein Obama has a great admiration for her. In her speeches, she continually refers to herself as a “wise woman.” Here let it be noted that the words “witch” and “Wicca” mean wise one!

But is she heavier than a duck?



Senate Judiciary Committe Chair Pat Leahy with Sotomayor

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

Better that Sotomayor turn Barack Hussein Obama into a newt rather than a Newt, if you get my meaning.³

It should go without saying that any fundie-whackjob screed informational newsletter wouldn’t be complete without Barack Hussein Obama, Secret Non-Christian:⁴

The religion of Barack Hussein Obama becomes more mysterious every day. What god does he truly worship? On May 30th, 2009, Barack Obama and his wife made their first trip to New York City since the inauguration. They went to various places that are considered to be sacred to communists, including Greenwich Village, where they had dinner at Blue Hill. Those who have studied Manhattan know that it is a unique borough, and witches believe it is a magical place. I have been there fourteen times doing research. At fifteen minutes before sunset on only two days out of the year, the sun sets in exact alignment with Manhattan’s cross street grid. This causes the skyscrapers to function exactly like Stonehenge, the ancient Druid temple near Salisbury, England. This alignment is especially visible between 23rd Street and 42nd Street. Why did Obama pick this day charged with occult power to visit the crossroads of the world?

Holy Cow!⁵ I know this phenomenon to be true! (The Sun-setting part, not the Communist-Wiccan Conspiracy part…which is obviously true, nonetheless.)

(As a side-note, should I point out that Stonehenge was built well before the Celtic Druids showed up? Nah.)

The story so far: Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a witch named to the Supreme Court by Barack Hussein Obama, who is secret Muslim secret Jew Druid.



Barack Hussein Obama poses in the Rose Garden


Onward…

...5...4...3...2...1...

On June 9th, 2009, Obama was speaking to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on the telephone from the Oval Office in the White House. I have the photograph of the President, and he is sitting at his desk with both feet about level with his head and right in the lens of the camera. This was televised, and care was taken to make sure it was seen in Israel. Why would Obama sit in this position for the White House photographers? Why were both feet in the lens and dominating the photograph? In Middle Eastern countries, it is a great insult to show the soles of the shoes. This was brought out when the Iraqi man threw his shoes at George W. Bush; remember? Within an hour or so of this conversation, a violent storm hit Washington, D.C., and uprooted a 69-year-old tree on the White House lawn. It was a European linden tree that was planted there in 1940 when Hitler was at his apex of power. The linden tree is directly associated with Berlin and the very spot where Obama spoke while he was on the antichrist campaign trail in Berlin. Unter den Linden is a famous boulevard in the very center of Berlin, Germany.

The Hitler has landed!



Barack Hussein Obama and his Cabinet⁶


Adolph Hitler was, of course, a well-know Communist Nazi Islamo-Druid. But rumors of his being a child of Kenya are false.⁷

In early June, Obama and his wife and entourage went to Europe, making various stops and collecting honors, awards, and worship wherever he went. Then it was time for him to go to the Middle East where he visited Saudi Arabia and Egypt. While he was there, gasoline prices in the United States began to rise rapidly and are still rising. I must also note that Michelle Obama did not go with him to the Arab countries, but rather parted company with the President and returned home to Washington, D.C. I was informed by two Moslem Arabs that it was because it would have been a violation of Moslem sharia law for her, as a woman, to be with him. The President would not violate his religion.

So Obama isn’t a Druid after all?



Barack Hussein Obama prays (lower left)

While in Saudi Arabia, Obama was presented with an over-sized medallion on a gold chain, known as the King Abdul Aziz Order of Merit. This is the highest award that can be given in Saudi Arabia, and it is given only to the closest friends of the king.

Saudi King Abdullah and Barack Hussein Obama


What I find to be most disturbing, however, is the revelation that our first Druid Moslem President has used his magical powers to ruin the Great American Sport of Football: ⁸

[Mohammed] was...taken outside where he and Gabriel mounted a white stallion with eagle’s wings and flew to the sacred spots of the earth and through seven heavens ultimately to meet Allah face to face. The white-winged stallion was said to have belonged to Abraham and was named El Barack. Allah then told Mohammed that at the end of days the horse would return to the resurrected Mohammed to ride once again. The name Barack is associated with lightning and thunder. With Islam moving from east to west, is it any wonder why Obama chose to accept his nomination for President of the United States from the mile-high Denver Broncos’ Stadium, where east meets west in America? The Broncos team also had a mascot, which was a brilliant white Arabian stallion named Thunder. The horse died thirteen weeks after Obama was inaugurated. Strange forces are at work!

Strange AND convincing!

Just as convincing is Barack Hussein Obama, Secret Queer!

On June 1st, 2009, President Barack Hussein Obama brought another curse upon our nation when he officially declared June as “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Month.” Can you see the handwriting on the wall?

I can see the handwriting and it’s faaaaaabulous!⁹



New flag of the United States (proposed by Barack Hussein Obama)


The newsletter now proceeds to run down a list of natural disasters¹⁰ (one of which had the power of 1,500 Hiroshima bombs!), ominously concluding with the most frightening - and portential (<---is that even a word? Well, it is now.) of them all:

In February 2009, a strange and unique comet began to reach its closest point to earth. One report stated that it seemed to hang over Jerusalem briefly as it traveled by. The comet was unique because it was pale green in color from the gases being given off by it...The pale green color of the comet Lulin that appeared this past February is of great interest when we consider the words of Revelation 6:8, which reads as follows: “And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.” The word pale in this verse is taken from the Greek word cloros, which is a pale sickly green, the very color of the comet. From that word cloros, we derive the word chlorine, the halogen in group 17 that gives off that color as a gas.

The Eighth Sign of the Apocalypse^11,12

And:

On February 24th, 2009, another amazing event took place in the night skies over El Cajon, California. According to CBS News, it was witnessed and photographed by many people, and I have a copy of the photo. Three large Arabic numerals appeared in blood red color and in a triangular shape in the sky. NASA has no certain explanation for it. These eerie numerals were the Arabic sitta, which is the number six. Thus, a clear and distinct 666 in blood red appeared over California. These are the last of the last days!

Portent of doom: Three 6’s over El Cajon¹³

If these facts don’t convince you then you’re just a closed-minded bastard. But for those who understand these truths to be self-evident: See you at the next teabagging get-together!

(A special note to whoever forwarded this to me: I will find you and I will punish¹⁴ you for forcing me to spend three hours of my busy life to deal with this.)






Notes:

¹A bad play on words
²Another bad play on words.
³By which I mean Newt Gingrich, of course.
⁴Or perhaps a Druid (see below).
⁵To the best of my knowledge, Obama hasn’t been accused of being a secret Hindu (yet).
⁶Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, far right.
⁷Hitler was, in fact, a Bohemian Jew.
⁸Mohammed was a tailback for the old Baltimore Colts.
⁹I condemn this cruel stereotype of gay men.
¹⁰This post is quite the natural disaster, isn’t it?
¹¹The ninth through eighteenth being Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
¹²Also great for removing those grass stains!
¹³No word on the status of three pennies in the fountain.
¹⁴Not really.
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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Hitler dislikes cheap font collections:

(For what it's worth, the actual clip is from the excellent 2004 film Downfall (Der Untergang).)

[Via Amanda.]

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Adding, Ol' Adolph really did freak out over certain fonts.

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Maria...

The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
Maria!
I've just met a girl named Maria,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Maria!
I've just kissed a girl named Maria,
And suddenly I've found
How wonderful a sound
Can be!
Maria!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.






Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.
© 1956, 1957 Amberson Holdings LLC and Stephen Sondheim. Copyright renewed.
Leonard Bernstein Music Publishing Company LLC, Publisher.
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Argentina For Two

As expected, the other shoe is now plummeting.

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Note: It's Summer and I'm frustrated with politics. Allow me my fun.

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Question

I've never hiked the Appalachian Trail but should I decide to do so is it necessary for me to pack a valid passport with the rest of my hiking gear?

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Conservatives...

...have their own special dictionary:

[Via Think Progress.]

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Somewhat related to an earlier post:

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

So simple it operates itself!

Part I:

Part II:

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Never Trust The Internets (Communist Edition)

The perils of cyber-randiness:

One of Fidel Castro's sons carried on an eight-month flirtation over the Internet with a person he believed was a Colombian woman. Surprise! The woman was actually a Miami man.

[...]

''Claudia's'' cyber-boyfriend never revealed any state secrets and made no mention of Fidel during their more than 20 Internet chats. But he sent her what he said were his phone number and home address in Havana, wrote that he had no bodyguards and gave advance notice of a trip to Mexico -- all breaches of the tight secrecy that has always surrounded Fidel Castro's family life.

[...]

Some of the chats lasted just a few minutes, but the longest was for five hours, Domínguez said. And, as time passed, they grew from simply friendly to amorous

A specter is haunting Antonio Castro's pants.

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Playing Hooky

The President abuses his Constitutional power in order to aid and abet skipping school:

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Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken

Krauthammer:

What Fox did is not just create a venue for alternative opinion. It created an alternate reality.

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Not His Hair! His Beautiful, Beautiful Hair!

Colbert does Baghdad:



(Moises Saman for The New York Times)
On orders from the president, Gen. Ray Odierno gives Mr. Colbert a military hairdo.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Amy Winehouse likes Cheeto's™:

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Yep

[Bruce Eric Kaplan from The New Yorker.]

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

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Reaching For The Youth Vote

Who says the wingnuts can't get jiggy wid it?

The modern Republican party is an embarrassment of riches.

With the emphasis on "embarrassment."

[Via TPMtv.]

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You've Been Warned

Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, aka Garfunkle and Oates, sing of the perversity that will result if we allow gays and lesbians to marry:

Brings new meaning to the old term, Lord love a duck.

[Via Alex Koppelman.]

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Reading Is Fundamentalist

From Sadly, No!

(Only the red underscoring has been added.)

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Michele Bachmann: The Comic Book!

Coming soon!

[Via Eric Kleefeld.]

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Widely, and deservedly, considered to be one of the worst rock songs ever:

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Join Team Stormy!

Actress¹ Stormy Daniels takes another step in her quest to unseat² Senator Diaper Dave Vitter (R-Huggies).





¹ Well...
² I suppose in this context that could sound rather rude.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

(If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend "The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean")

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A Real Democrat

Transcript

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More Of This, Please

Top Irish banker pelted with eggs

I would also support pelting banksters with cream pies and overripe produce.

On their way to prison.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, a/k/a Garfunkle and Oates, sing of self-esteem that's not quite low enough:

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Chicks...

...and ducks...





...and...oh well, I don't have a surrey (with a friiiiiinge on top) anyway.

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Mystery Solved!

The Antichrist is...President Barack Obama!

Admit it, you suspected this all along.

[Via PZ.]

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Grade-A 1980's cheese:

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Apropos

[Shamelessly stolen from watertiger.]

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Infighting And Backbiting And Recriminations, Oh My

What fun!

Republican Sens. Orrin Hatch and George Voinovich blamed the Club for Growth for imposing a right-wing litmus test that chased Arlen Specter out of the Republican Party. The Club for Growth blamed Specter — first for helping to ruin the GOP and then for leaving it. A leading Republican strategist blamed the party for turning its back on moderates. Sen. Lindsey Graham sniped at Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. Specter’s pollster blamed the stimulus bill. Karl Rove blamed Specter himself.

[...]

In the nasty game of Who Lost Specter, only Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seemed to go unscathed — although his pain will come as he tries to lead a caucus that is likely to be too small to stand in the way of anything the Democrats want to do.

You almost have to feel sorry for them.

Oh, who am I kidding. Let's pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.

[Via BarbinMD.]

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Today's Lesson: How Not To Land An Airplane

Story

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The Gathering Storm

In response to the odious (and unintentionally hilarious) anti-gay marriage ad put out by something called "National Organization for Marriage" the divine watertiger and the crew at Shoot the Messenger bring it down to brass tacks:

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Happy Tea Party Day!

Remember to teabag friends, loved ones, even complete strangers!

Make Earl Grey proud!

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Ya Gotta Love 'em

So I stopped over at pennsylvaniateaparty.com to check out all the hot teabagging action and was most amused to see this:

I wonder if the Copyright Office recognizes that as being valid.

At any rate, in these dark times I think we can all enjoy a good public teabagging.

Until some fraction of them begin to blow things up and kill people, that is.

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Given that these "spontaneous" tea parties are actually being coordinated by former nutbag Congresscritter Dick Armey's Freedomworks organization, MSNBC's David Shuster is quite right when he says:

[I]f you are planning simultaneous tea bagging all around the country, you’re going to need a Dick Armey.

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Originally used as the intro to Monty Python's Meaning of Life, Terry Gilliam's brilliant short film, The Crimson Permanent Assurance.

Part I:

Part II:

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

Let's go with a classic:

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Saturday Palate Cleanser

There is no Sanity Clause:

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ADDENDUM: How many people get the "five kids in Canada" joke?

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Learn Something

The proper disposal method for an unwanted Cadbury Creme Egg™:

[Via gyma.]

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